Parsnips

It was probably the news anchor's fault I didn't give up life altogether. I had already decided I couldn't go on without my friend, Veggie, but when that stupid fruit on TV started running his mouth he got me mad enough to take up Veggie's cause all on my own. Problem was, I didn't know exactly what Veggie's cause was. You see, while Veggie had confided many things to me there were still some unanswered questions as to what his actual motives were. He had always told me that telling me everything would only put me in danger, and he felt very strongly about not causing collateral damage if and when possible. This left me unsure as to what to do next. After all, just attacking random fields of fruits and vegetables would accomplish nothing. Late that night, just as I dozed off to sleep I heard a knock at my motel room door. "Who's there, Mate?" I instinctively asked.



"Herb, Dude," a woman's voice answered with a sultry southern draw like that of a woman from Georgia. "Come on out and talk, Darling."

I didn't know what to do. Surely this Herb know about Veggie's death a few days before. Why on earth would she want to talk with me? The fact is: I found the very thought of opening the door to be intimidating. What if she's a P-E-T-S terrorist? I thought. What will I do if I find myself up against a real professional? I started not to open the door, but a voice inside my head-- Veggie's voice perhaps-- told me to go out and talk to Herb. "What do you want with me?" I asked as I opened the door to see the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life standing at my door.

"Quick," she said gently taking my hand, "get in the car before someone sees us together."

Parsnips

Parsnips, oh parsnips,

you hide there 'neath the ground

hoping you'll not be spotted.

Fearing you'll not be found.

But I am the Rebel Poet,

no produce is safe from me

for I've come to avenge Veggie's death

and turn you into teas.

So I dug myself a radish,

a turnip, a 'tader too,

dug myself some onions

and put them in a stew,

but the parsnips still elude me.

Could it be they'll not be found

or have they only crawled away

in search of fertile ground?

"Hello, this is Cherie K Berry sitting in for the injured Walter M Vine who is still recovering from a dangerous mugging attempt last night. Walter is recovering nicely and should be back to work in just a few days. In tonight's news, Billy Jones, aka, the Rebel Poet Laureate of North America, has apparently taken up the war that was started by his friend, the now deceased Veggie Head Stalker. Billy was seen earlier today in what several onlookers describe as a failed attempt to capture a small group of parsnips. In other news..."

You know what I never could figure out? Why was Cherie K Berry, North Carolina's Elevator Lady doing the news? Well at least she didn't say anything bad about me. I guess the network was getting tired of me beating up their reporters. Of course you're wondering what Herb told me the night before and being we're so close to the end of the story I guess I can tell you, but it's still considered classified so don't leak it to anyone else.

VegetableStalker.com is brought to you in part by Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... Proud sponsors of the Vegetable Stalker.

No, that wasn't it. That was another of those annoying, intrusive ads from our sponsor who owns me and everything about me-- sorry.

Herb explained to me that her real name isn't really Herb, but that's not what I was going to tell you. You see, Veggie and his family tree were all the result of a failed joint agricultural experiment between the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) It seems that MIT and the USDA were trying to use high tech electronics to genetically modify certain plants to grow faster and produce bigger yields, but because all plant species are potentially invasive the experiments got out of hand.

To make matters worse, some of these genetically modified species managed to come together and formulate a plan to take over the world. These high tech seedlings managed to hide themselves in the outbound mail and get themselves shipped all over the world where they could form cells by breeding with and enlisting the help of previously unmodified plant species angry about habitat destruction and man made climate change. 

But for some reason a few of these hybrids-- mostly deciduous hardwood mixes-- decided they would rather not be a part of the revolution and fought it instead. Veggie became their leader. Thus the reason Veggie never attacked nuts.

Herb was an undercover agent for the USDA. I'll tell you more about her undercover work in the Vegetable Stalker sequel, but for now that will have to wait. Herb explained that Veggie wasn't necessarily trying to kill all the renegade plants, but was secretly gathering tissue samples to be used in DNA testing. (Don't ask me what DNA stands for as I've no idea.) It was Herb's belief that with enough DNA the USDA and MIT electricians, botanists and geneticists could develop a means to fight the rapidly invading nitrogen suckers who were intent on taking over our world.

Veggie's death had changed all that. Without additional DNA material the research was coming to a grinding halt, and if no one was able to take up the cause the errant vegetables might take over the entire world in just a few short months. That's where I come in...

Billy Gets Squashed

Was in the dark of night

when squash, they are asleep,

I made my way so silently.

So silently I creeped.

Was but a chance I might return,

but a chance I had to take

if we were going to win the war

we needed but a break.

They didn't hear me coming.

No me, they didn't smell.

They never saw a thing.

No one would hear them yell.

I covered them in plastic wrap

above them like a tent.

Turned on the gas and went inside.

Yes, inside I went.

I held my breath the longest while,

while I cut each vine down,

cut their fruit to pieces,

then cooked the whole bunch down.

I added lots of sugar

and brought them to a boil,

and 'cause I used the gas

the fruit will never spoil.

"This just in: Billy Jones, aka the Rebel Poet, is suspected of having slaughtered an entire patch of innocent squash. He's also suspected of writing bad poetry about his crimes. Did he really kill a whole patch? Did the three sisters survive? Where were the gourds? Didn't they try to save them? Could it be that Billy is really the Vegetable Stalker in disguise? Find out as coverage of this copy cat vegetable stalker continues right here on Plant TV."

I had caught them completely off-guard. The government, the media whores, even the renegade terrorist vegetables had failed to see my attack in the making. Not one squash had managed to holler for help. Since the plants were now in control of both the government and the media it was imperative THEY deem me to be a criminal. Instead of admitting they were the terrorists they deemed me to be a terrorist. It was the only way they could command public attention. And while my victory had been a relatively small squash patch, it was a victory just the same.

What about the gourds, you ask? Well let's just say that every senator and congressman in Washington, DC now has a new gourd shaped bird house hanging from trees in their yards courtesy Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing and Farming... That should root out the vegetables in Congress, don't you think?

In the meantime, Let's Salsa.