Chapter I, The Early Years

On a cold December night a few miles south of London-- ahem, I mean Loudon, Louden, New Hampshire-- a son was born to a Mr. amd Mrs. Fruit Elvis and Candy Apple Stalker. Ol' Fruity, as he was called back then, decided to name his son Veggie. Veggie Head Stalker would someday become known all over the world. It is I who will tell you his story.

It wasn't until over forty years later that I would come to meet the mighty Vegetable Stalker riding a Wackemall 750 motorcycle-- one of only one to ever be produced. I must admit I was quite taken by him at first. Veggie was a peculiar sort. He hadn't many friends, and his Yankee habits seemed quite different to a young man born and raised in the Southland like myself, but I decided early on to leave my judgement behind and let ol' Veggie prove to me what sort of a man he really was. Like most who know him, to this day I'm still trying to figure him out.

While Veggie seemed to lack common sense and sound judgement, he made up for it with his never ending resolve to meet all his challenges head-on. This was probably due in-part to the fact that Veggie's head-- even sans his pith helmet-- was the hardest thing about him. To say Veggie lacked intelligence was an understatement, but Veggie was a man on a mission, and even the weakest of opponents can sometimes rise to victory if so inspired.

Still, I have to wonder if Veggie ever will.

Like his parents, Veggie Head Stalker is a vegetable. He's also a vegetarian, and because he's a vegetarian, Veggie decided to embark on a mission like none the world has ever seen. Make no doubt that in this day and age, adventurers like Veggie are few and far between as are the places where adventure might be had, but that never deterred ol' Veggie. Veggie Head Stalker decided he would be the first ever-- be him man or vegetable-- to eat every edible plant known to mankind. As I knew there are known to be over fifty thousand edible plants in the world, I decided I should be the one to follow along and write Veggie's story. Besides, I was out of work at the time, and was hoping to scam some free food.

And so begins the adventures of the mighty Vegetable Stalker...


Saw a herd of cantaloupes
lurkin' in the vines,
hangin' with the melons,
killin' lots of time;
grazing on the nitrogen
an' basking in the sun.
Saw a herd of cantaloupes
an' none of them did run.

Saw a herd of cantaloupes--
more than two or three-- 
and all the while I wondered
if they were seeing me.
They acted really nervous,
of that, I have no doubts.
Saw a herd of cantaloupes
a lingering about.

Saw a herd of cantaloupes
puttin' roots deep in the soil,
but none of them were working;
no doubt, they never toil.
They were hiding 'neath the leaves
with the radishes, and such.
Saw a heard of cantaloupes
but couldn't hear 'em much.

Saw a heard of cantaloupes
so I snuck up very quiet,
kept my hand upon my weapon
clutching it so tight.
I guess they never saw me
'til at last it was too late.
Saw a heard of cantaloupes,
an' man they sure taste great!

"And so begins the legend of the mighty Vegetable Stalker... Will he go on to become a hero to us all, or will he simply become another legend lost to the ravages of lost time, and leftovers long since forgotten in the back of some long since discarded refrigerator? Stay tuned for more of the Adventures of the  Vegetable Stalker when The Vegetable Stalker Goes to California."

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