Chapter IX, Not According To Plan

This Harvest Eats You wanted the world to think it never happened. THEY wanted the world to think Veggie and I were dead. As long as Veggie and I were still alive there was hope the world might someday be returned to normal. THEY were in charge of the governments of the world, the United Nations, the WTO, WHO, the media and Fascist corporations all over the world. THEY were not about to report the truth, no way.

Did you know Hitler and Mussolini were both vegetables? It's true. Had they waited for the rest of the plants to mature they might have won.

Of course the truth seems to have a way of leaking out no matter how hard someone tries to hide it. That's exactly what was going on. All over the world the mushrooms were spreading the news that the Vegetable Stalker wasn't really dead. This inspired others to take up the fight as well. Thousands of small bands of stalkers were popping up everywhere. The government labeled them home grown terrorists. And while their efforts didn't seem to have much effect on the various invading species, the fact they were willing to die for their freedom became very unnerving to even the toughest of vegetables.

Believe it or not, there was still some support in the government as well. It turned out the cellulose invaders had failed to infiltrate the SBA (Small Business Administration) either because they considered it useless or because they had no business sense either. The SBA had joined forces with the USDA in an unprecedented display of bureaucratic cooperation, and undercover agents from the USDA and SBA were out there in the fields and in backyard gardens everywhere looking for potential targets for Veggie, myself, and our small bands of vegetable warriors to destroy. To quote some dead president who wasn't a vegetable, "We have no yet begun to fight."

Yes, the world was gearing up to fight its biggest war ever. The newly formed underground governments of nations all over the world were joining forces, communicating via the mushroom network to fight the invaders. We were limited to the crudest of weapons, shovels, hoes, and Wackemall Machetes as THEY controlled the world's militaries, but we were faster and more determined than ever to win the war. Besides, how smart could vegetables with little dried-up pea brains be?

Oh, I almost forgot, you're probably wondering how Veggie got away from the Kudzu, right? Well it seems that Kudzu is a deciduous perennial-- you know, it dies back when the weather turns cold. So all Veggie had to do was to keep eating Kudzu leaves until the weather turned and the vines simply wilted away. Then it was easy for him to break free. Bye, see you at the front...


Was on the third of April
as Spring was coming in,
we gathered all our courage
to start the war to end
the rule of those who crushed us
'neath leaf, an' fruit an' vine
knowing we'd be lucky
to do it all in time.

Our troops all stood behind us,
all faithful to the end,
pledged to give their lives
red, black and white all friends.
As Veggie led the charge
we heard his battle cry,
"Aieeeeee, aieeeeee, aieeeeee!
Die invaders, die!"


 "Did you see that? The Vegetable Stalker and the Rebel Poet, Billy Jones have put together a militia to wipe out this terrible genetic nightmare. Who would have thought they would have been able to gather so much support? Will they win? I don't know, but just for the record this reporter is praying they do. Please stay tuned for more as this story..."

THEY jammed the signal. THEY didn't want the world to know the truth as THEY were afraid others would take up the cause. Even pea brained vegetables are smart enough to know we're above them on the food chain. And while THEY blocked the signal enough of the message got through to inspire even more people to take up the cause.

Down south-- in the US-- a bunch of good ol' boys-- you know, rednecks-- had managed to install mower decks and bush hogs on their four wheel drive pick-ups and sport-utilities. They could mow through giant fields of tomatoes, squash, asparagus, and spinach at over sixty-five miles per hour scattering vegetable parts for miles. This was so disheartening to the vegetables that many of their seeds refused to sprout.

Over in Wales some old WW2 veterans managed to restore an antique steam roller. They were having a blast rolling fields of genetically modified vegetables. You can bet those vegetables egos were flattened as they thought they had seized control of all of Her Majesty's Military. While those old guys might have been slow their seasoned strategies more than made up for it.

In Lebanon they learned how to irrigate the rogue lettuce fields with salt water from the nearby Mediterranean Sea. The lettuce didn't like it much but as THEY were rooted there was no way THEY could get out of the brine.

In Mexico, thousands of men, women and children celebrated by doing the hat dance on every field of hybreds they found dancing until the entire field was nothing but dust. And if even a single plant protested they would shout, "Badges, we don't need no stinking badges!" then start firing at them with flamethrowers until the plants were well done. All over the world people were rising up against the invasive species.

All in all the vegetables were running scared. THEY had thought that by making it look as if THEY had killed Veggie and I there would be no one to lead the resistance but what they got was a thousand leaders all united in our cause. We were martyrs and we weren't even dead. Even the most invasive species in the world, the vining menace, the ninja Kudzu had failed to keep Veggie planted. Still, there were many battles yet to be won...

Veggie Goes To Washington

Veggie went to Washington
to meet the President,
tell him how the war was fought,
and how our time is spent.
But when 'ol Veggie shook his hand
he felt it in his tush.
This President is not a man!
This President's a bush!

"It takes one to know one I always say, and Veggie should know a plant when he shakes leaves with it. So this is how This Harvest Eats You managed to infiltrate the government-- THEY did it from the top down. Do you think they've infiltrated politricks at the local level as well? Well, now that you mention it Mayor Nancy Barakat "Grasshopper" Vaughan of Greensboro, North Carolina is a grasshopper. Folks there even named the local baseball team, the Greensboro Grasshoppers, after her. Could it be the insects are in on it too? Stay tuned for more right after this..."

Well at least THEY did wait until the commercial before THEY blocked the signal this time. We now knew their secret, President George W Bush was really a plant. Kind of explains everything, doesn't it? Now that Veggie's signal was getting through, even if only for a little while at a time, things were bound to change as we got ready for the Battle In The Heartland.