As we sailed north from Fiji, Veggie swore he would never go back there again. He said plants like those should never be allowed to carry weapons and cursed the NRA despite my efforts to explain to him that the NRA had never lobbied on behalf of coconuts. "Just give 'em time," Veggie railed, "When Wayne LaPierre sees how dangerous they are they'll be advocating coconut trees in every home and school in America. Just you wait and see."
It was during this leg of our journey Veggie shared with me for the first time what his real intentions were making me believe in him even more than ever before. Of course I can't yet share with you as that would ruin the ending of the story so you'll just have to wait to see how the story unfolds. That, by the way, is writer speak for I'm not yet sure where I'm going with this story but let's keep going anyway...
Hong Kong Harbor
The mandarin orange is a fruit
that grows inside a can
packed in syrup, sugary sweet,
so sweet that some can't stand.
But Veggie said, "We must be brave."
so 'cross the waves we sailed
and when we got to China,
"Land ho!" Veggie yelled.
We sailed into the harbor
in our ship the SS. Junk
where lots of other boats were parked.
Of fish, the harbor stunk.
A little man walked up to us,
said, "You're American like me.
What brought you here to China?"
Veggie said, "A ship, can't you see."
"Ah so," said the little man,
"But why then have you came?"
"I'm the mighty Vegetable Stalker," Veggie said.
"Perhaps you've heard the name,
but just in case you haven't
I'll tell you why we're here.
We came for mandarin oranges
and kegs of your rice beer."
He lead us through the busy streets
where mandarins are sold
in little cans so shiny bright
you could tell they weren't too old.
Then Veggie picked out several cans
saying, "They're all nice and firm,
but tell me are they really ripe
for that's my worst concern."
Yes, I know, it's time for another annoying advertisement. Will I ever be free?"Veggie, Dude, you can't eat them while they're still in the can. Veggie thinks they grow that way. Come to think of it I've never seen a mandarin orange growing on a tree, have you? Maybe they do grow in cans but you still need a can opener. And feeling the can to determine freshness-- really? Everyone knows you tap on the bottom of the can and listen for ringing sounds."
Are you still with me? Good, then let's continue with the story before the advertisers find us again.
I never quite figured out why we went to Hong Kong, China. As soon as we loaded the SS. Junk we sailed off again. There were a few hours Veggie left me alone at the harbor watching our junk while he visited someone in the city-- I don't know who-- but we left late that same day overloaded with mandarin oranges and Chinese rice beer. Well, mostly beer. Then we proceeded to get really, really drunk while at sea. Maybe Veggie planned to sail to Thailand or maybe it was all the rice beer we drank, I don't know. But I don't even remember what I saw at the Bangkok Sex Shows even though I've got photographs of one of the girls leading me up on stage...
Rice
Ol' Veggie Head, he said to me
as we walked across a paddy,
"This rice you have been speaking of,
should I go call my daddy,
for if it is just as you say
I just might need some help
before I sink deep in this mud
where he can't hear me yelp"
And so it was ol' Veggie Head
and his pop, Ol' Veggie senior
came back to the paddy where
they would score their dinner.
But while they both did splash about
trying to kill some rice
the rest of us ate Uncle Ben's
and thought it really nice.
"What's this? Has the mighty Vegetable Stalker been swamped? Is he stuck in the muck of a rice paddy? And what about Veggie senior? Isn't Fruit E. Stalker too old for this mess? And how 'bout that Uncle Ben's rice-- was it white, long grain, or brown rice? Who cares, right? Well if you care about Veggie then you had best stay tuned to the Adventures of the Vegetable Stalker for our next Veggisode when Veggie gets Swiss Chard."
I must admit, even I feared that was going to hurt.
