Over the course of the next few weeks we met with a rather strange mix-- a sort of tossed salad-- of fruits, vegetables and Herbs. That's Herbs the men, not herbs the plants. It seems there were about twenty or so different men named Herb that just happened to be sailing around the ocean late at night far from land. We would hear a knock at our cabin door, Veggie would ask, "Who's there, Mate?"
And a voice from the outside would always answer, "Herb, Dude, come on out, let's talk. That's when Veggie would go out on the deck and talk with each Herb that came aboard. I still don't know who any of the Herbs were.
There seemed to be something going on here that was bigger than I imagined it would ever become. And while Veggie shared many secrets with me he always insisted I couldn't know everything so that my own safety and well being could always be guarded. There was this one very strange visitor not named Herb that really concerned my dear friend and patriot, Veggie...
Swiss Chard
"It's with a foreign accent,
Swiss Chard, it speaks to me,"
the Vegetable Stalker said
as he explained to me.
"You see, it is a spy
sent here to spy on me
and so it is I must defend
for Swiss I'll never be."
"Could it be true? Are the Swiss really spying on Veggie or has his pea brain simply become charred from spending too much time in the tropical sun. Maybe Veggie should get a broader hat-- the pith helmet isn't making enough shade. And what about Swiss Cheese-- is that part of some evil Swiss plot as well? Swiss watches? Are we running out of time? I wonder what Veggie thinks the Swiss are doing? I wonder what the Swiss think Veggie is doing? Come to think of it, what isn't Veggie doing?"
Could it have been true the always neutral Swiss were in on some plot to rule the Vegetable Kingdom? At least the media was its normal unbiased self. </sarcasm> Perhaps Veggie was just being his usual paranoid self. After all, he did admit to being erotic. Even with all I knew-- I still can't tell you-- I still couldn't be sure of what Veggie was up to. There were way too many unanswered questions and Veggie seemed to be asking the most of them. He was usually talking to himself at the time. All I knew for certain was that we would soon embark on another adventure, a new Veggisode as the network had started calling them in those, the earliest days of reality television. (Veggie never did like that word, embark. He said it got under his skin.) After drinking the last of the rice beer-- I should have known better-- I woke up to discover we had run aground somewhere in the middle east...
The Figs Renege?
Figs, they are a strange bunch,
they're all female you see,
and figs don't take to men--
not even men in trees.
They hang around in bunches
'till it's time to get off.
Then they're picked, cleaned, and packed,
but never do they stalk.
Was one sad day it happened.
The figs, they set a trap
and when ol' Veggie came along
they hit him a hard rap!
They rained down hard upon him
and switched him with their limbs.
Then the raisins came along
trying to join in.
Dude, Veggie fought a battle
but things were lookin' bad.
Seems every fig he came upon
was really, really bad.
But when it all was over
the figs lay on the ground
smiles on all their faces,
happy to go down.
"What's this? Were the figs on Veggie's side? Did the poet say happy to go down? Are there other friendly fruits out there as well? This war might never be won. And how will this strangest of tales end?"
It was along about this time I began to notice subtle changes in Veggie Head Stalker. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but Veggie seemed to be hiding more than he was telling me. Being that I was hired to write his story I complained that he wasn't giving me much to go on. "I also need to write about what's going on inside you," I said, "So the readers can get a better picture."
"I can't tell you just yet," Veggie replied. "If I tell you everything then we'll give away the exciting finish to the story. Tell them to eat plenty of organically grown Fruits and Nuts."
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