The Vining Menace

Of course sometimes even the most brilliant strategy can be overcome by a horde. We never saw them coming, and we never expected them to be able to live at high enough altitudes to reach out mountain top mansion, but that's exactly what happened next...

No, no way I'll not let you insert a commercial here. I'll cut off your head with my Wackemall machete if you try! Damn! They got by me.

The Vining Menace

As Veggie lay asleep one night,
outside it creeped toward him
and through an unlocked window
it quietly slipped on in.
And when our hero opened eyes
was nothing he could do
for he then knew the awesome strength
of that Southern scourge, Kudzu. 

And though he fought and screamed a bit,
was nothing he could do
for Kudzu is the creeping vine
that grows right over you.
So as ol' Veggie pulls and strains
a hoping to get out,
I have to wonder can he,
and know I have my doubts.

"Oh my! Maybe Veggie's right. Could it be the vegetables really are trying to take over the world? Everyone knows Kudzu is an invasive species. Why it already covers over 7,400,000 acres in the American Southland alone. Could it be coming here too? I guess we'll just have to wait and... Help! Somebody please help! It's wrapping around my...."

That's what happens to those who didn't report the news the way THEY wanted the news to be reported or asked the wrong questions. They didn't want the public to know what was really going on until it was too late to stop them.

Speaking of being too late: I was on my way to help Veggie, but ended up, up to my arm pits in P-E-T-S. I tried to break free but there were too many of them bent on keeping me away from Veggie. They were shouting at me, hitting me with their cardboard signs, and calling me bad names like liberal and vegan. That's when I punched one of them in the nose, kicked another in his... a, you know, wackemall, and kicked yet another in the knee. Then I broke free and ran as fast as I could to try and save Veggie, but when I got there our entire mansion on the mountain was covered with Kudzu, and Veggie was nowhere to be found.

It was the saddest day of my entire life.

I tried to hack my way through the Kudzu to save Veggie, but the dreadful vines grew faster than I could cut them down. Add to that the fact that every piece of Kudzu vine that touches the ground quickly sprouts roots and becomes yet another invader, and you can see why I was unable to save Veggie. After several days of attempting to dig Veggie out I finally conceded Veggie would never be found, and because our mountaintop mansion was completely taken over by the vining menace, I checked into a cheap desert motel room and withdrew from the world.

In the desert very little grows so I had little to fear...

Goodbye Old Friend

We made our way together.
Old friend you were the best.
And though I know you've gone away,
your deeds I will attest.
To me, you're still a hero.
To me, you're still a friend,
and if I could have anything
I'd have you here again.

 For me you were a blessing.
For me, a guiding light;
a star to shine upon me
when I couldn't see the light.
And so Dear Friend, I honor you
and hope you hear me say,
"Goodbye Old Friend, until we meet
up yonder, one fine day."

"And that concludes the life of Veggie Head Stalker, aka the mighty Vegetable Stalker, known as a hero to some and a viscous murderer to many more. It's apparent the loss of such a close friend is more than Billy Jones, the Rebel Poet, Poet Laureate of North America, can endure. It's a wonder Billy even left the desert after the cowardly way he let his friend die. You would have thought he would have tried to save him, but he turned and... Ouch! Not in the mouth again. Ouch! Not in the nose too! That hurts! Ouch! Ouch! Somebody get this guy off me! Ouch! Ouch! Oh shi... he's picked up a tripod! Somebody help me pleas..."

You're damned straight I lost my temper. I forgot to pack my meds before I left to go hide in the desert. Days without mood altering drugs and I was becoming a homicidal maniac. All I needed was his accusing me of not trying to save Veggie's life and I snapped. Yeah, I spent 10 days in the hospital, the first 3 wearing a straitjacket, so what? When I got out I kicked his ass again. And I intend to kick his ass every time I see him for the rest of my life. No I'm not going to kill him-- then I wouldn't get to kick his ass anymore. Everybody knows I did my best. What's that guy's problem anyway?

Find out as our story continues in Parsnips.