Veggie For President

Veggie's running for president? We'll get to that in a bit but first, as I promised I'll explain how the Veggie Television Network managed to stay on the air. You know, in the interest of full disclosure.

Veggie's dad, Fruity Stalker just happens to have a degree in video something or the other so we changed his name and got him hired on with the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) as the head of the department in charge of blocking banned signals. He simply removed VTN from the list of banned signals along with a few thousand other pirate radio and TV stations. Then he added the main stream media networks to the list of banned signals. Most people never knew the difference.

What about Veggie's mother? Well Candy Apple Stalker is the new bartender at the Seedy Senate Lounge and Buffalo Grill, and you can bet the girls there tell her all about what goes on behind the closed doors of the congressmen's and senators' motel rooms. Sorry, this being family entertainment I can't tell it here. Perhaps in another book someday.

We decided it was time we exposed everything we knew for all the world to see  All the years of resistance and the lives of billions of people all over the world depended on us to bring to light those seedy types whose rotting stench could be smelled all over the world. And what better a way to gain public exposure than a run for the highest office in the land...

Veggie For President

Veggie beat the broccoli.
Whipped it bad, be there no doubt.
He chopped it up and beat it,
and tossed it all about.
The broccoli sure was steamed
and that was even better;
so he sent it to George Bush Senior,
sayin' "Cover it with Cheddar."

Was then he got to thinking
why not run to  Washington
to show the world I'm ready,
and I have just begun.
"We've really got one thing to fear
and that is fear itself,
and if the folks don't fear their fear
then they'll fear something else."

So Veggie called a conference
to address the nation's press,
trimmed up all his foliage
so he would look his best.
When he walked up to the podium
the reporters shouted questions
while Veggie shouted louder.
There was no way they could best him.

So Veggie's on the ballot
with support in every state.
And even up in Canada,
they're voting for him, great!
He'll high atop the poles,
on everybody's minds
and the Republicrats are crying
'cause their jobs are on the line.

Veggie, the choice of the Greener Party! Aieeeee!

"Well it's official now, Veggie Head Stalker is running for President of the United States and Prime Minister of Canada. His dual citizenship allows him to do that. Will he become the first to lead both countries? There's been talk about Veggie running for President with Billy Jones as his running mate since they exposed that George Bush is a plant. Seems there's nothing in the law that specifically banns plants from holding elected office and being that Bush has already set a precedent the President's job is up for the taking by any fruit, nut or Herb that comes along. Why not Veggie Head Stalker?"

It wasn't just the Republicrats that were upset. The Dimlicans were angry too. As was the Green Party. Our new Greener Party was even greener than they were. But in reality Veggie's bid to run as the Greener Party candidnut was really just a plan to rattle everyone's cages. Veggie didn't want to run nations and I sure as hell didn't want to be vice-president. I'd rather write poetry and ride motorcycles all day. Why if I ever fell into that rotten batch the smell might never wash off. Can you imagine a tired old hippy biker like myself in charge of the nation? I might appoint myself Billy Jones, Poet Laureate of the United States. For life. Why I might legalize marijuana or free topless beaches nationwide. I might even authorize topless beaches in every state-- you know, equal protection under the law. Hey, maybe that reporter was on to something, ya' reckon?

But we still had a war to finish and ultimately, Veggie's Surrender.