Veggies In The Dark

Veggie said it had been a victory even though the media claimed it to be a disaster.Of course the camera crews got there just in time to film Veggie rolling down the hill so they really don't know how it happened. Veggie said he was so bloated rolling away was his only escape before the Lebanese Army got there. Understandably, the Lebanese government was none too happy with what we had done, and they were quick to express their dissatisfaction with both Veggie and the United Stated Armed Forces, but the official US government position was that they didn't know anything about it until it was reported in the media. President Bush even made a statement to that effect which Veggie said was because the politricksters were as dirty as a freshly manure sprayed field, and smelled even worse.

It was beginning to become apparent that there were things going on behind the scenes that just hadn't come to light. As a matter of fact, Veggie said we were being kept in the dark and fed a bunch of BS. just as if we were mushrooms. But he also said that while mushrooms might be kept in the dark they can still hear. So that's when we decided to go to Pennsylvania to visit the world's largest mushroom farm located in 150 miles of old limestone mines deep underground...

Veggies In The Dark

Mushrooms grow in forests thick
and in caves so far away.
The live their lives in darkness
without a word to say.

Mushrooms grow in colonies
be they little or a lot,
but mushrooms the world over
are a very common lot.

Mushrooms spread their roots so far
to cover all that's near,
and though you never see them
your every word they hear.

Mushrooms are a mega-spy
and to Veggie their stories told,
and so it was the mystery
was beginning to unfold.

"Did you see that? Neither did I. Did we catch it on film? wadda' ya' mean no? You're professional cameramen, you're supposed to be able to take pictures in the dark. What Mycelium? Are you saying you were held back by mushroom roots? That's about the lamest excuse I've ever heard. Somebody see if one of the other networks got it on tape. Maybe we can buy a film clip."

It turned out that there was a lot more going on underground than I ever thought possible. For instance, did you know that most of the Earth's land mass is secretly covered with a tiny microscopic root system that connects mushrooms to each other world-wide.  This pre Internet fungus network allows mushrooms to know everything they need to know while living in seclusion in caves, deep in forests and in once abandoned limestone mines where we visited them in Pennsylvania. It also allows them to keep an ear to the wall. Believe me, if the mushrooms haven't heard it then no one ever said it.

Things were beginning to get really tense. Veggie and I were getting blamed for all kinds of international incidents. It was supposedly our fault there was a drought and crops were failing. It was said we were causing food shortages in an attempt to run up prices in the futures markets even though we'd already sold all our futures months before. Most people still believed in us and we remain ever thankful for their support but I guess there's always a few who question your motives no matter what you do. I never questioned Veggie's motives but what happened next made me start to wonder what the media was all about...

Home Invasion

Late one night as Veggie slept
and I sat in my chair,
I heard a noise from in the back
and said, "Who's that in there?"
I only heard an evil laugh
so for a weapon I did scavenge,
but before my hand could reach it
I was knocked down by a cabbage!

Then another and another hit!
It was soon I lost my breath
as gangs of cabbages piled on me!
I'm sure they meant my death.
But as I gasped my final cry
I saw Veggie at the door
and those cabbage heads that gang-banged me
will bang no one no more.

"Did you see that? Now that wimpy poet laureate is in on the battle. I guess the mighty Vegetable Stalker can't handle it all by himself. What's that? No Billy, I wasn't saying you are a wimp. I mean, yes I said it but that's not what I... Ouch! What did you hit me for? Right in the mouth too. Man, that hurts. I was only doing my job. Did the camera man get that on video? I'm going to take him to court. Billy, you can't take the film. Well being you put it that way, take all the film you want, take the news van too, we'll gladly walk 50 miles back to the television station and get another van."

Needless to say I was mad. It was bad enough the cabbage heads broke in to my very own home in an attempt to assassinate me but those media whores broke in to cover the story. It's as if the reporters were in on it. Yeah, I punched him in the mouth and if I catch that jerk in my house again... Well just tell him I've got 500 acres and the black bears eat carrion and our story continues with Yellow.